My pride is hurt. I think I need a band-aid.

The air smells of burning leaves.
I inspect to find a smoldering pile of death.
Smoke billowing up towards the trees.
Like a dragon's last breath.

LMY 8.24.05

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So, I had my meeting with the lawyer today. I told her my money problems, and she never once passed judgement on me. I asked her what my options were, and she told me that my only choice would be to file Chaper 7. That would erase all of my debt. I explained to her that I wanted to be able to pay it back, but she told me that with my income and living expenses that it would be near to impossible. This would be the best for me. At this point, I broke down. I started crying. It hurt my pride. I think it hurt the most because I can not control the situation. I feel helpless. I know this is the best thing for me to do, but I also have feelings of guilt because I was the one that opened those charge accounts and entered into those loan agreements. I did it of freewill. What happened was unforeseen events in the short span of one year, and my credit took a nose dive. I don't regret doing what I have done. I am a very giving person, and if I had it to do over again, I'd still do it the same way. I didn't see dollar signs, I saw a person in need. Oh, sure sometimes I feel like the world's doormat, but I'm quite comfortable with my position in life. After all of this legal business is over, and I've gone to court, my life is going to change drastically. I don't care if I ever see another credit card. I will live a simple life. If I don't have the cash for something that I want, I'll just save until I have what I need. Life is not about things, but I sure do have a crapload of them.
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After the emotional meeting with the lawyer, Scott had to go see the doctor. It was time to change the bandage on his leg. They have only been doing this once a week. Usually on Mondays, but he kept putting it off this week, so we went today. His leg had been leaking so much that he left a puddle wherever he went. There was some woman that worked at the clinic following us around and cleaning up behind Scott. She was not a happy camper, and I felt sorry for her. I even went to the restroom to get some paper towels to help, but they told me to let her do it. Poor woman. Anyway, when the nurse took off the bandage, she didn't look too happy. She called for the doctor to come in. The doctor suggested that Scott go directly to the emergency room because she doesn't feel that what they are doing is helping the wound. I wasn't going to mention this next part, but it is so digusting, I just have to. Before the doctor came in, and after the nurse left the room, I took a closer look at Scott's leg. Now remember, his bandage hasn't been changed since the 15th. I saw little white things moving around on the wound. It was maggots! I almost lost it! The nurse and doctor came in, and I told them we had another problem. I guess the doctor could see how freaked out I was, and maybe she thought I was about to start spewing, but she looked at me and said, "Now, calm down. It's okay. Actually that is a good thing. They use maggots all the time in hospitals to get rid of dead flesh, but they are very expensive." I just about hit the floor after she said that. I was not aware of that. I always thought it just meant something was dirty...and gross! I still could not imagine having those icky things on me to eat away dead flesh. ick. Anyway, they made arrangements for Scott to visit the emergency room for observation and they said that they might keep for a few days. I didn't think this would affect me the way it did, but the thought of being away from him, made me cry. I have just been crying all day. First because my pride was hurt at the lawyers office, now at the thought of missing my Scotty. When we got to the emergency room, he was seen rather quickly. The doctor came in and basically said that the wound is not healing because of poor circulation and that his being overweight does not help the situation. They sent in a nurse to take off the old bandage and to clean the wound, but before they even touched his leg, they put him on a drip of Demerol. Within minutes he was feeling pretty drowsy. They hoped that the medicine would help with the pain as they cleaned his leg. The next few steps happened pretty quick...they bandaged his leg, gave me some supplies, gave me the honorary title of 'wound-care nurse', took out his i.v., and told him to get out. No, they didn't tell him to get out, but they didn't waste any time letting him know that they were done with him. I was so happy that they were not going to keep him, but a little concerned too. Scott feels that the reason they didn't keep him was because he does not have insurance. That is probably true. So on one hand it is cheaper to medicate at home, but a little bit stressful wondering if we are doing the right thing. After that we checked out, and set up a payment plan. Today's visit was $323.00. Not too bad, but they didn't really do anything for him. Gave him some drugs, and looked at his leg. Anyway, we still appreciate it. They gave instructions that he needs to see a wound-care specialist. We are not sure how that is going to pan out. As I said, he has no health insurance, and anything with the word specialist is sure to be expensive.
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Well, that's how this day went. I am still emotionally drained and I need to get to bed. I sure hope tomorrow is better and nothing makes me cry. -lata

eating: nothing, but I just had a cherry slushy
hearing: octopussy
reading: weekend magazine
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© jofetish on
Friday, Aug. 26, 2005 at 1:18 a.m.
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